"march-ing" towards confidence

to my 3 dear frens, i apologise for my disappearance and my inability to update our shared blog regularly. i noe you all wouldn't blame me cos you all understand me well...i still feel bad though..

march has not been an eventful month and i didn have much to share except for my feelings battling my skin rash. i feel bad about writing such pessimistic feelings on our blog and so did not update. i went to the school clinic and outside pharmacies many times to replenish my moisturisers and for retrieving both oral and topical medications. many times, i feel sad looking at my skin and comparing it with others..i think of the clothes i would like to wear but cant..i think of the restrictive clothes materials tt i am limited to and about my inability to dress up to the best i wld like to be..

i become super sensitive to stares and of people looking at my skin..i try not to touch others when i sit in the bus and in school, and in the lifts. wearing long sleeves makes it hot and hard to scratch when i need to. i grew to accept as default tt ppl would be scared of me and take it as my responsibility to explain to them about my skin but yet not requiring them to accept me after my explanation. i thought tt this is only fair..cos i cant assume ppl don judge by appearances.

such posts requires digging deep dwn into how i feel..it's hard to write and depressing to read so before writing, i always wonder if writing it down for people i treasure to see is being considerate...am i forcing and burdening others with my pessimistic thinking??? i don noe..i do wonder if i am thinking too much..tt there must definitely be someone out there laughing at me for thinking so deeply..haiz..

when sum1 accepts me and taps my shoulder telling me tt they are not afraid, i feel so relieved inside. i didn noe how much each one of us as humans need to feel accepted and i thank that special friend for making me feel treasured even when my skin looked so scary.

my arms have healed but my legs haven..at times, they do swell and look puffy. the wounds on my leg wld look scary to any normal person..i am not exagerrating. the steroid that the doctor gave me is so strong tt i can only use for 1 month, which is in 2 days time..yet the wounds show no signs of healing. this is the same as last year though so i am not too worried. even then, i still receive stares. yesterday, someone was sitting at the lobby sofa of unilodge and stared at me all the way while i walked to the counter..i stared back at her. she was looking dwnwards so i guess it has to be my leg..i have nothing to say, except tt i am thankful i didnt meet her when my skin was worse..

i have learnt to live with my rash..my whole body has it..incl my ears, neck and face though they are less red and visible..it's hard to move on..difficult to remain positive when i noe tt every time i step out of the cocoon of my room, i am being evaluated and judged by others around me. i can only hope tt the number of positive acceptances that i get is enough to sustain me when i meet with any unfriendly stares..i pray tt i can have more confidence in myself =)