exam, grades and self worth

yixin and yt have gone on their trip..so i don expect anyone to reply this anymore..nonetheless, i still want to write..still need to write..

if anyone has jus started reading this, u can stop now..cos it's gonna be long and depressing to read. i wrote this post in the hope tt i wld and could feel better..and not to burden readers out there.

2 papers over and both uncompleted--far from nearing complete. i always ask myself how come there is this huge inertia to continue writing for 1 question when u only hv 5 min left and u haven started on the last long essay q? why is ur brain so stupid..do u think u can actually spit out sthg logical and legible in <5mins?>

got out of the exam hall..sad but cant cry..does this mean i'm stronger now? does this mean i no longer bother abt academic success as much as b4? shd i be happie tt i didnt cry? i used to tell myself in sec sch tt if u did sthg wrong for a particular pp and u cant change it anymore, quickly start working hard on the next so tt if GOD sees tt u hv learnt ur lesson, he will make things go well for you for BOTH pp..

that was in the past..it worked..it reali did..i noe it sounds stupid saying this but everytime i felt tt i didn do my best for a particular exam and immed started working hard for the next pp/if tt is the last exam, to start studying for the next sem, i will always do well for both the papers.

now..now, it doesn work anymore.does it mean i hv seen thru my prev folly even though it worked b4? aft my econ1120 pp(which i didn complete the last essay q), I told myself to work hard for acct1101 which just ended. but i did not..i dilly dallied, sleeping, eating, cooking, buying groceries..taking my own sweet time..

WHY WHY WHY..how come i lost this ability i always had to discipline myself??? the acct1101 paper is very badly done too..what's the use of being so hardworking throughout the whole sem but when it comes to the exam, ur failure to put in even tt extra effort spoils all the prev hard work u hv contributed?

i reali hope to cry..i badly need sthg to make me cry..i need to face the facts and consequences of my ill-disciplined study; i need to scare myself to reality; i need someone to hug me and tell me tt what's past is past, to reali commit to learning the lessons from this and move on..to hear me blabber and complain..then hold my hand like a good friend and study with me..

(typing the above paragraph has allowed me to cry at last..but not enuf..blame me for being emotional, tt crying is useless..but it's the start of a healing path for me)

i am asking for way too much..my 2 treasured frens who hv been wif me throughout the tough times tt i experienced in aussie are now unable to be there for me..much less anyone else.

whoever manages to read till here wld definitely be asking how come i'm so paranoid over results..i asked myself this question many times throughout my study years..

ans: it's bcos of my younger sister who's 19 this year. she's good in almost everything and can juggle work, play and leisure effectively unlike me, who even if i just concentrate on work alone, wld not be able to do as well as her. it's hard for me to accept tt i am more stupid/useless as compared to her..i noe we shdnt judge pp by their academic grades..but society judges us like that..aren't we supposed to be practical and not devise theoretical ways of judging a person's self-worth when it's not even applied in reality at all?

i must admit tt i hv a very low self esteem of myself and the only way i can feel good abt my ability is if i do well--if i see credible empirical evidence of my ability to perform. if i do well, i wont feel so lousy in front of my sister; i wont feel tt others are looking dwn on me..but it's such a tiring and painful process to stretch my abilities such tt i can match hers..when genetically/biologically/intellectually she is already more able than me.

many who read till here will definitely dismiss and say tt i am thinking too much..i do..i think alot and "torture" myself with all these..like why shd i make life difficult for myself right? but it's been so many years..yet i cant change how i judge and feel abt myself.

my JC fren once said tt i need alot of ASSURANCE--both in absolute terms and in frequency..i reali agree with what she says..maybe ..maybe someday when sum1 can gv me that (sufficient) assurance for me to see/judge myself in a different light can i reali be "liberated" from such thinking..




both papers have been badly done and i hv 1 left on the 18th june..i can see myself procrastinating and being complacent again...and again, i cant control/discipline myself..giving in=eating, sleeping, shopping...instead of studying..i forsee tt again, i deserve to be "punished" by GOD...can and will sum1 out there "save" me.."save" me when i can no longer discipline myself? can tt sum1 scold me and wake me up? make me cry until i reali feel the pain and then start studying?

i don noe..

i shd end this post alr..

congrats to those who read till here..

thank you very much, i sincerely appreciate ur time and patience :)

~shu ling

a letter to myself...

dear ling,

it's the time of the year again..when you need to rush assignments and prepare for exams..why..you always wonder how come it seems you are always so "unlucky"..that you hv assignmts to rush still at this time and can't work on studying for exams instead..you take so long to write 1 essay..

formulating the essay topic, researching on the topic..picking out the relevant info, rephrasing it so you don commit plagiarism, making sure all ur writing links tgt in 1 coherent whole, checking for mistakes and grammatical errors, doing up the references, cutting words to keep within the word limit.....

it's so draining..so very draining..you are so scared of what is in store as above tt you dare not even start..dare not even make the first step to do enough research on the topic! how come? how come you are so timid? dear girl, if you cant and don even make tt step, you can nv finish ur essay and will nv be able to study for exams at all...

why, you ask urself..why is ur essay due on ur 1st day of exam?...

you are so scared of starting ur essay you keep eating, doing other stuff..dilly dallying..slping at odd hrs, slpin more than 11hrs a day when you already hv no time!! you think of food..eating..rewarding urself..shopping but not abt ur essay..WHEN WHEN ..dear ling..WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START?

you rem last sem when you had to rush socio essays nearing exam time and you had such a big dilemma abt whether to run home to do it or not..stop running away..stop thinking of food and start working..but u noe u cant..u want to study..you are scared you wont do well..you want to do well..your head is bursting because u cant discipline urself..

you keep telling urself: "ok..jus 1 more bite of cake/bread and yup, i will DEFINITELY start working ya?"...but u noe u nv..u nv did..you are so disappointed in urself cos u can no longer discipline urself..you hv lost the willpower..ur internal ability to WAKE URSELF UP!

ling, no one can help you..will writing this letter to urself wake u up? or is this another "procrastination tactic" of urs..telling urself tt after writing it.. "I WILL START WORKING ON MY ESSAY?" haiz..

you cant run away from ur fear..fear of the draining process tt is to come..no matter how weak ur willpower is..you still hv to go on..you hv to be strong..tell urself u can conquer it and work on it..it's hard to forget abt exams when u are working on ur essay..but u must..please please please..please work hard on ur essay alright?

rgds,

ill-disciplined distressed brat!

dear yixin

it was a rainy morning when i was awakened by a phone call from this young sweet lady asking me to open the main door after working in the student house. and hey, how could i forget to wish her happy birthday once i saw her at the front door?! *blur me* maybe not fully awoke yet. hehe...

anyway.. it's not too late now, rite? HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY, WANG YIXIN!! we had a very short-and-simple lunch together to celebrate her birthday in the midst of exams (like i study very hard.. oh pls..!!) pork+vege+pasta lasagne, mixed fruits and vege salad, yx's home baked cake. just the five of us - yx, me, siang leng, yee hong and bell. oh btw, that's bell's home made lasagne!! it's really not bad, you know? the birthday girl praised him non-stop! :)

this birthday girl looks really good in this clothes, doesnt she? so pretty! :) that's her bday present from bell and i, and the necklace is from sl. uncle gave her a box of marzipan chocolates :)

once again, happy birthday and im sure you had lots of fun on your birthday! working and celebrating your birthday in the bar last nite was *2 thumbs up* and the lunch just now was *2 thumbs up* too! may all your dreams come true, my dear friend! i love you... xoxo