exam, grades and self worth

yixin and yt have gone on their trip..so i don expect anyone to reply this anymore..nonetheless, i still want to write..still need to write..

if anyone has jus started reading this, u can stop now..cos it's gonna be long and depressing to read. i wrote this post in the hope tt i wld and could feel better..and not to burden readers out there.

2 papers over and both uncompleted--far from nearing complete. i always ask myself how come there is this huge inertia to continue writing for 1 question when u only hv 5 min left and u haven started on the last long essay q? why is ur brain so stupid..do u think u can actually spit out sthg logical and legible in <5mins?>

got out of the exam hall..sad but cant cry..does this mean i'm stronger now? does this mean i no longer bother abt academic success as much as b4? shd i be happie tt i didnt cry? i used to tell myself in sec sch tt if u did sthg wrong for a particular pp and u cant change it anymore, quickly start working hard on the next so tt if GOD sees tt u hv learnt ur lesson, he will make things go well for you for BOTH pp..

that was in the past..it worked..it reali did..i noe it sounds stupid saying this but everytime i felt tt i didn do my best for a particular exam and immed started working hard for the next pp/if tt is the last exam, to start studying for the next sem, i will always do well for both the papers.

now..now, it doesn work anymore.does it mean i hv seen thru my prev folly even though it worked b4? aft my econ1120 pp(which i didn complete the last essay q), I told myself to work hard for acct1101 which just ended. but i did not..i dilly dallied, sleeping, eating, cooking, buying groceries..taking my own sweet time..

WHY WHY WHY..how come i lost this ability i always had to discipline myself??? the acct1101 paper is very badly done too..what's the use of being so hardworking throughout the whole sem but when it comes to the exam, ur failure to put in even tt extra effort spoils all the prev hard work u hv contributed?

i reali hope to cry..i badly need sthg to make me cry..i need to face the facts and consequences of my ill-disciplined study; i need to scare myself to reality; i need someone to hug me and tell me tt what's past is past, to reali commit to learning the lessons from this and move on..to hear me blabber and complain..then hold my hand like a good friend and study with me..

(typing the above paragraph has allowed me to cry at last..but not enuf..blame me for being emotional, tt crying is useless..but it's the start of a healing path for me)

i am asking for way too much..my 2 treasured frens who hv been wif me throughout the tough times tt i experienced in aussie are now unable to be there for me..much less anyone else.

whoever manages to read till here wld definitely be asking how come i'm so paranoid over results..i asked myself this question many times throughout my study years..

ans: it's bcos of my younger sister who's 19 this year. she's good in almost everything and can juggle work, play and leisure effectively unlike me, who even if i just concentrate on work alone, wld not be able to do as well as her. it's hard for me to accept tt i am more stupid/useless as compared to her..i noe we shdnt judge pp by their academic grades..but society judges us like that..aren't we supposed to be practical and not devise theoretical ways of judging a person's self-worth when it's not even applied in reality at all?

i must admit tt i hv a very low self esteem of myself and the only way i can feel good abt my ability is if i do well--if i see credible empirical evidence of my ability to perform. if i do well, i wont feel so lousy in front of my sister; i wont feel tt others are looking dwn on me..but it's such a tiring and painful process to stretch my abilities such tt i can match hers..when genetically/biologically/intellectually she is already more able than me.

many who read till here will definitely dismiss and say tt i am thinking too much..i do..i think alot and "torture" myself with all these..like why shd i make life difficult for myself right? but it's been so many years..yet i cant change how i judge and feel abt myself.

my JC fren once said tt i need alot of ASSURANCE--both in absolute terms and in frequency..i reali agree with what she says..maybe ..maybe someday when sum1 can gv me that (sufficient) assurance for me to see/judge myself in a different light can i reali be "liberated" from such thinking..




both papers have been badly done and i hv 1 left on the 18th june..i can see myself procrastinating and being complacent again...and again, i cant control/discipline myself..giving in=eating, sleeping, shopping...instead of studying..i forsee tt again, i deserve to be "punished" by GOD...can and will sum1 out there "save" me.."save" me when i can no longer discipline myself? can tt sum1 scold me and wake me up? make me cry until i reali feel the pain and then start studying?

i don noe..

i shd end this post alr..

congrats to those who read till here..

thank you very much, i sincerely appreciate ur time and patience :)

~shu ling